So many thoughts, so much sand

I started this blog because I have a lot of things that I think about, and I wanted to put the thoughts down in words, partly for myself and partly for other people to read if they wanted to.

I find myself composing blog posts as I walk home, as I work, when I get up...

But when I try to actually write them, the ideas and words trickle out like a handful of sand between my fingers.

When I'm with a group of people, it can be hard to shut me up (in fact, that is one thing I'm trying to learn - to listen more and talk less), and I think I'm relatively good at expressing myself.

But when it comes to writing, it all just disappears. Frustrating!

I am going to keep trying though.

When I read other people's blogs, I laugh, I think, and I say to myself "It doesn't seem that hard!" But I need to remember that I didn't see all the drafts and I don't know how long those five lines were in production.

Cheers.

Engaging the Mind

Hello Faithful Reader!

(Well, I know at least one person reads this.)

Now that I seem to have finally got over the Doubt about my relationship with my Man - let's call him Trevor, shall we - I am having trouble not trying to rush ahead into the next stage. Or rather, I'm having trouble waiting for it to happen and not living it out in my head before it happens.

You see, Trevor and I have been together for almost two years (Two years! Yes, it's amazing! My previous record was 2 1/2 months and his was even less.) and we're both in our thirties. And we have talked about marriage. On several occasions. Sometimes he's brought it up and sometimes I have.

The problem is that I feel my life is sort of in limbo at the moment until we get married. I don't want to buy things that I won't need when we get married, I don't want to plan too far ahead, blah blah blah... and we're not even engaged! So I expect it will be at least a year - well OK, six months, until any marriage happens.

But the main point I have is that now, whenever we do anything, I find it hard just to enjoy the moment and keep wondering if he's going to propose. Any thoughts about how to just relax?

I have had a cunning method in the past for getting past this kind of problem - I would exaggerate and exaggerate my possible scenario until it was completely ridiculous and made me laugh. Example: I'm sitting at work or in a lecture daydreaming about some guy, start thinking "wouldn't it be great if he emailed/called/talked to me now?" Start daydreaming about that, then catch myself and think, OK, let's imagine he turns up at work... dressed as a gorilla... with the All Black team... singing some obscure pop hit from the 80s that only I remember. That's better.

It's not really working with the whole engagement thing any more though...

I don't have any problem with females proposing to males, but I would like to make myself wait for him to do it. I have ruined surprises before and then felt bad for stealing Trevor's thunder, and I just think it would be so much nicer if he did it rather than me rushing in and doing it all myself.

I will keep you posted, Faithful Reader.