I am very unmotivated at work today.

But, on a happier note, I am finally getting excited about getting married. I never thought that there would need to be a "finally" about that! It's so much easier to try to understand other people than to try to understand myself.

I suspect it's partly because I saw the wedding as a project and I've never been a big fan of projects. I once even handed in a project entitled "An Unfinished Project."

I'm getting married! :o How did that happen?!

How will I know?

I am a bit worried that I'm not more excited about getting married. Is it because I'm worried about the money, because I'm a bit stressed about the organisation thing, because when I was single I tried to convince myself that it wasn't that important and I was more succesful than I thought, because I don't want to be the obnoxious woman telling everyone about her fiancé all the time, or because I don't actually want to get married?

I really need to get this sorted before we get much further...

Time

I don't know how other people manage their time.

I am often running late for things, having toast for dinner, meaning to get around to doing the dishes, and rushing out the door wishing that I had learnt from the last time I rushed out of the house...

I also have a messy room. Although my Mum just popped in and had a look at my room and said that it was looking better than usual. Yay! (Even at 32, I still care what my mother thinks of my room.)

I have read a few books on time management, being organised, etc, but I normally end up quickly skim reading them the day before they're due back at the library. I mean, which would you rather read, Harry Potter or a time management book? And at least I get them back to the library on time (normally).

I think I do a fairly normal amount of things - work full time, flat with one person, have a boyfriend, see my parents once a week or so, go to church, study one extramural paper, go to an Amnesty International group once a month, go to a couple of Christian groups, watch sport... I wouldn't have thought it was more or less than a lot of people. But somehow, the dishes keep appearing, the piles of paper on the floor keep growing, and I always need to do washing...

The last organising book I read (Time Management for the Overwhelmed, or something similarly realistic) had a helpful suggestion - instead of a diary, it suggested a folder that I could organise in the most helpful way for me. It sounds promising. So I have a section for each day of the week, then a to do list and then things I do monthly.

Maybe this one will be the one for me?

Engaging the Mind

Hello Faithful Reader!

(Well, I know at least one person reads this.)

Now that I seem to have finally got over the Doubt about my relationship with my Man - let's call him Trevor, shall we - I am having trouble not trying to rush ahead into the next stage. Or rather, I'm having trouble waiting for it to happen and not living it out in my head before it happens.

You see, Trevor and I have been together for almost two years (Two years! Yes, it's amazing! My previous record was 2 1/2 months and his was even less.) and we're both in our thirties. And we have talked about marriage. On several occasions. Sometimes he's brought it up and sometimes I have.

The problem is that I feel my life is sort of in limbo at the moment until we get married. I don't want to buy things that I won't need when we get married, I don't want to plan too far ahead, blah blah blah... and we're not even engaged! So I expect it will be at least a year - well OK, six months, until any marriage happens.

But the main point I have is that now, whenever we do anything, I find it hard just to enjoy the moment and keep wondering if he's going to propose. Any thoughts about how to just relax?

I have had a cunning method in the past for getting past this kind of problem - I would exaggerate and exaggerate my possible scenario until it was completely ridiculous and made me laugh. Example: I'm sitting at work or in a lecture daydreaming about some guy, start thinking "wouldn't it be great if he emailed/called/talked to me now?" Start daydreaming about that, then catch myself and think, OK, let's imagine he turns up at work... dressed as a gorilla... with the All Black team... singing some obscure pop hit from the 80s that only I remember. That's better.

It's not really working with the whole engagement thing any more though...

I don't have any problem with females proposing to males, but I would like to make myself wait for him to do it. I have ruined surprises before and then felt bad for stealing Trevor's thunder, and I just think it would be so much nicer if he did it rather than me rushing in and doing it all myself.

I will keep you posted, Faithful Reader.

Interview Me!

Thanks to Sarah of Pink Cereal and Raspberries for humouring me and interviewing me.


1) What is your proudest moment?

I'm really not sure! I recently remembered the time that I came third in a poetry competition at school. I had recently left the school (it was overseas) and completely forgotten about it when a friend told me I'd won. It didn't hurt that the second prize poem was later shown to have been plagiarised!


Other things I've been proud of:


Managing to hold my goddaughter during church and having her not cry
Finishing a mountain bike race and then doing it faster every year since
Having a kid who I used to lead in Youth Group remember me


2) What's the news on you and the man? Have you found the spark, the sizzle, the lovely level of being happy together?


I think we have found a lovely level of being happy together. There still isn't that "wow" feeling that I thought I'd have of being totally, utterly and completely nuts about him, but I think he is absolutely amazing and I can't quite believe I'm lucky enough to have him. And he loves me and I have a big soppy smile on my face as I type this, so maybe it's just that I'm not admitting how nuts about him I am!

Plus I'm sure enough about him to be thinking about a long future together...


3) If you could move anywhere in the world, but you had to stay there for a year, where would you go and why?

Paris! Because it's a fantastic place anyway but also because I lived there during some of my "formative years" and I always feel that there's a part of me there. And because I'd get to speak French. :)


4) What is your biggest regret?

Being a wimp. I am not confident enough about many things, but mountain biking is a good example. My lack of confidence makes me more likely worry and then make mistakes and then to be less confident and more likely to hesitate and make mistakes and blah blah blah... vicious circle.


5) What are the ten things you would most like to accomplish in the next five years?

To get married (to the man mentioned above!)
To pay off my credit card and keep it paid off
To get involved in Bible translation
To have a tidy room (especially if I'm sharing it!)
To learn another language
To be able to play the guitar well enough to play a few songs without music
To work and live in Paris (more of a dream...)
To visit my best friend overseas
To go to Latin America
To free a prisoner of conscience
To be more present in everyday life and the lives of the people around me



If you would like to play the interview game, here are the rules:
Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me!”
-I will respond by e-mailing you five questions. I get to pick them, and you have to answer them all.
-You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
-You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
-When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Thinking about Humans

I've been reading a book about the Second World War recently (I do read lighter books, really!) and it makes me wonder - how do we stop ourselves from turning into the worst kind of "animal" (or more accurately, the worst kind of human) when things turn bad?

How do we stop ourselves doing things like what people in Rwanda did to each other during the genocide?

How do we stop ourselves from endangering others so that we can be "safe"?

Butter Fingers

Do not smear yourself with body butter and then expect the dress that you put on to be presentable.

Here endeth the lesson

Enough about Me

I recently read a book about the genocide in Rwanda. What happened there was absolutely disgusting, and I decided that the best thing I could do in response was to try to stop similar things happening.

So that's what I'm doing.

From what I've heard, worse things are happening in Sudan - do what you can to stop it.

Sudan Crisis

Thinking about a Man

Sarah's recent post has made me think (again) about my relationship. I don't actually know Sarah, but I enjoy reading her blog.

I am 31 years old and in my first longterm relationship. I have been with a lovely, fantastic guy for almost a year and a half and we have talked about marriage and made plenty of comments about the future and how we would like to spend it together.

The thing is, there is this Doubt. When I read Sarah's comments about her boyfriend, she is completely nuts about him, and I am not completely nuts about my man. There, I've said it!

I don't know if my face does light up when I see him. I don't think about him all the time and I don't feel the excitement that I expected to feel when I found someone that I planned to spend the rest of my life with.

I do find that the Doubt is bigger when I am not with him. When I am with him, I realise how fantastic he is, how he is cute, how he is loving and how I enjoy being with him. But... I don't want to sell him short. He is nuts about me and I would like for him to be with someone who is nuts about him too. I am hoping that my nuttiness will grow or that maybe I'm being unrealistic expecting the lightning and thunder of all the books and movies.

My sister said that she started thinking that he might be the one for me when she found out about a silly nickname I have for him and also when I didn't get sick of him after spending a lot of time with him! I love my sister dearly but I do get sick of even her after a few days, which hasn't happened with the man.

Hmmmm.

If you are reading, feel free to comment! If you're not reading, thoughts are welcome ;)